What is Parent Mentoring?

Have you ever asked for help with a parenting issue from an ‘expert’ only to find their solution doesn’t work for your child?

Have you ever read a baby book and wondered why your baby doesn’t do what the book says?

This is because you are unique, your family is unique and your child is unique.  You know your child best and you are best placed to say what will work for your family.

There is no one size fits all approach, no magic wand (more’s the pity) and no quick fix when it comes to parenting.

In short, mentoring is NOT about giving you the solution it is about empowering you to identify the right solution for your family and then to implement it.

I do not pretend to know it all, in fact if I ever get to that belief I will get out of the parent mentoring business.  I am only a parenting ‘expert’ when it comes to my own family and what works for them.  Sometimes even there I flounder as what worked for my daughter doesn’t always work for my son.

So, here you are looking for answers and I’ve just admitted I don’t know the final solution to your problem, I struggle myself and I am not a perfect mum, by any stretch of the imagination.  So why come to me for help?

Firstly, we draw a line in the sand.  We examine what you have done in the past to overcome the issue and what outcomes you got as a result of those attempts.

Once we have reviewed the past I will work with you on identifying a number of solutions you feel comfortable implementing.  We create a plan of action to address the issue you are facing with not one, not two but at least three possible solutions you are happy initiating.

Do I have a set of solutions that I suggest for everyone?  Well yes I do.  I have done my research and trialled the techniques I suggest as a first port of call.  They work for my family but will they suit your family? Maybe, maybe not and if not then we will identify something that does.

Finally I will work with you on the emotions, the frustrations and the guilt that arise as a result of the issue and what comes up for you while you are implementing the solutions you decide on.

But parent mentoring is not just about solving issues, its about empowering you to be able to solve them on your own in the future.  Its about taking the initiative to create the family you want.  Its about creating the relationships you want to have with your children and it’s investing in yourself to become the best parent you can be and provide the best start in life for your family.

It is soooooo much more than that, it is working through your own emotions, doubts and uncertainty to enable the parenting years to follow smoothly from now.

So, if you have an issue you are struggling with, or if you are unhappy with the relationships you have with you children and want to make changes to your parenting, or are just feeling stuck in a parenting rut then head to the website and apply for a FREE 30 minute consultation to see if I am the right mentor for you.

While you do that, remember that you CAN get through this!  This will pass and most importantly, no matter how you feel right now, you are a GREAT parent!

Brain Development is Pretty Cool!

It’s amazing that from the moment a child is born their brain is firing neurons and making connections that will affect that individual for the rest of their life and we as parents have a great deal of influence over that.

There are three parts to the brain, the reptilian brain which is responsible for the basic needs of survival like hunger, digestion and the fight or flight reflex.  The mammalian brain (or limbic system) which is responsible for our emotions, our fear, rage, happiness and separation distress and the rational brain which is responsible for managing the emotions as well as problem solving and creativity.

The reptilian and mammalian brains are fully functional at birth, which is why a baby can get upset so quickly.  Imagine her world for an instant.  How is she to know that the noisy vacuum is not a predator that will come and eat her?

The reptilian brain recognises a potential threat and the emotional mammalian brain reacts with fear. Your child’s rational brain is not functional at birth and requires a number of years to create the neural pathways to enable the child to manage the emotions of the lower brain.  It doesn’t yet know that the vacuum is not going to eat her up.  She needs to experience it hundreds if not thousands of times for the neural pathway formed in her brain to automatically kick in each time.

In the meantime, it is up to you as her parent or caregiver to help her manage her emotions and calm down.  It is vital that you have the mental and emotional space in your mind to really hear her and take her seriously.  The fact you, as a parent, think it is an irrational fear is completely irrelevant.  It is not about you!

If you are consistent when soothing your child’s distress, whatever its cause, and take anguished crying seriously you can help her establish some highly effective stress response systems in her brain.  These systems will enable her to be able to deal well with all kinds of stress later in life.

Now that is pretty cool!

Jim’ll Fix It!

As I look along the parenting aisle in the book store I am strongly reminded of a TV program of my youth called Jim’ll Fix It where Jim came along and basically made the wishes of the kids come true.  The aisle is full of books promising to solve your parenting problems such as how to get a baby to sleep, how to potty train in 3 days, get your baby to eat better, stop the toddler tantrums and well you get the idea.  In fact as a parent you probably have a bookshelf full of books that tell you how to ‘fix’ any issue you are having with your child.

As parents we look to ‘fix’ the child when the way they are doing things does not suit our needs and wants.

What if our children do not need ‘fixing’?  What if it is us as parents that need ‘fixing’?

Surely as parents it is our responsibility to provide our children with what they need to grow into strong beautiful humans beings by amending our own expectations.

A child comes into this world with no expectations just an insatiable curiosity and a capacity to love.  They do not have the ability to moderate their feelings or to even verbalise them.  They do not know what each bodily feeling means.  Their brains are a clean slate and as soon as they enter our world the neurons in their brains start firing and neural pathways are made.  Each new experience they share creates a new neural pathway and each time that experience is repeated the pathway is made stronger and stronger.

As parents though we have decades of pathways already built, we have expectations based on personal experience of how we were parented, how our siblings parent, TV, film and media portrayals of parenting and the ‘perfect’ baby.  The chances are that, at most times in life, your child will not meet those expectations.

And so we create a belief that we are not doing it ‘right’, that others around us are passing judgement on us or that we are failing in some way or other.  What would parenting look like if we threw those expectations out of the window?

What would our parenting look like if we came at the experience with the expectations of our baby?  What if we ‘fixed’ ourselves and our parenting expectations to meet those of our child, to adjust ourselves to go with the flow rather than trying to control the outcome?  What would your journey look like then?

My personal belief it that we would have less stressed out parents and a lot more happy families.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this.  Do you think it would be easier to parent if you dumped you preconceived notions and expectations?

I am not a parenting expert

As I started the journey to opening the doors (figuratively) of The Parent Academy, I spent a lot of time wondering if there was anyone out there who was going to listen to me.

You see, I don’t have letters after my name or a degree in child psychology. I don’t have a medical background, I really don’t do well with blood.

What I do have is experience as a mum.  I have a gorgeous now 6 year old daughter who was the opposite of everything you read in any book about what a baby should be doing and when.  She taught me that parenting experts are often wrong and that the best baby book is the one in the bin.

I also have a 2yo son who is the polar opposite of his sister and who taught me that I could trust in my own instincts and that every baby is different.  He taught me that releasing my fears of getting this parenting gig wrong allowed me to get it right, even when I was doing it all wrong.

What both my kids have taught me is that there is no one right way to raise a baby into a toddler and on into a pre-schooler.  They taught me that the only way to find their individual right way is by trial and error.  There is no magic fix that does not in some way, shape or form harm their development.  There is no short cut.

The only way to get through is one day at a time and at the end of each day you celebrate the strength, courage and success of getting through in one piece.

I learnt that to raise strong, healthy, happy adults I needed to learn about how a child develops into one.  I needed to know the effect that parenting has on that development and how to parent with that final vision in mind.

So when someone tries to tell me I’m a parenting expert I laugh.  I am not.

What I am is a sounding board, a mentor who has tried many of the thousands of parenting tips and tricks out there and a brain to pick when you are at a loss as to what to try next.  What I am is part of your village, the mum who has been there before you and has knowledge to share both for raising your child and processing the emotions that arise within you as you progress on the journey.